My mind is a warren. Every time I try to approach the problem of my departure, all the rabbits begin to frantically run in different directions. No rabbit can get a clear view of the problem, because it is too large and because they dare not face it and because they are running wildly through bramble and under fence. The problem really isn't that bad. But they can't seem to get it together enough to form a plan. Because they are running. They have no direction and no aim, they just run.

See? I'm so fucked up I can't even think of a good metaphor. So I study Kanji. It gives me a sense of control over my environment. So, while I cannot seem to prepare adequately to leave, I have learned more kanji in the last two months (and thus, ironically, prepared better to stay) than in my entire time here previous.

I constantly annoy Erin, tugging at her sleeve and pointing at each new thing I can recognize in a manner that I'm afraid may resemble that of a proud child. "Sky!" (yes) "safety!" (I see) "Sewer!" (shut up, please). Our conversations begin to resemble a dadaists laundry list.

Maybe it's the humidity. Maybe it's the heat. Lately the weather has settled on Osaka like a hot sack of wet wool. I feel it pushing against me all the time. I need the fan pointed directly at me to sleep. I feel claustrophobic in my skin.

Maybe it's the new BOE policy. Last year, departing JETs were given a set sum of money to purchase their own tickets, along with a bonus to help with traveling expenses, and then left to make their own travel plans. This year we must reserve direct flights, on our own, departing from Osaka and arriving at a city (hopefully)near our homes. We must pay for these flights on our own, after which the BOE will refund the cost of our tickets. We cannot depart from any other place. We cannot go anywhere besides home. It doesn't matter that a flight from Bangkok would be cheaper. When I suggested this, I was given the terse reply that the BOE would not pay for me to travel around the world. "But it's cheaper!", I protested. "The BOE will not pay..." was the reply. The moiety of our bonuses have also been rescinded.

Of course, this is just what I THINK the BOE policy is. Nobody seems to be able to tell me for certain, and every time I ask I get a different response.

This puts a kink in my travel plans, and sets more hares to running wild, turning over the lanterns in the barn, or becoming frozen with fear on the road, staring blindly at the oncoming hrududu.

I'm trying to herd them all together though. Ever try to lasso a mental rabbit?