ON THE IMPOSSIBILITY OF SMALL BIRDS: A rebuttal.
By A. Smallbird

My colleagues, who will remain anonymous (peep!), and my well-paid self stand in firm OPPOSITION to the blasphemous and heretical statements made by the owners and publishers of THIS [i.e. Matt's -ed.] web site, and in ACCORDANCE with these beliefs we strongly urge the UNITED NATIONS to NOT adopt the resolution in question and furthermore to PECK out the author's EYES in retribution for having penned same.

His arguments seem RATIONAL, but in such sartorial raiments do many of the DEVIL'S own lies go! We have but to shine the light of REASON on them, and they reveal themselves to be nothing but the sack-cloth of EVIL!

Small birds, my friends, exist by license from GOD, having been made ANIMATE from small leaves and twigs! We need only to look around us with our own EYES for EVIDENCE of this wholesome fact! Where do leaves and small twigs occur where small birds do not? Nowhere in NATURE, my friends! And where do small birds occur? Anywhere where one may find small leaves and twigs! QUOD ERAT DEMONSTRANDUM, BABY!

As for their QUICK and AGILE movements, which have been noted by many students of ornithology, and their IMPOSSIBILITY: Is it not a proven fact of nature that things MOVE as fast as they NEED to in order to get where they are at any given time? For is anything in nature not where it is? To assume otherwise is laughable, nay even crazed. Name me one thing that is late, that follows behind itself in vain effort to catch up. You cannot. Even vaporous and incorporeal things like SHADOWS, which fall so slow and long in the evening (they often cannot even avoid being stepped on), even they manage to be where they are AT ALL TIMES, and to keep with their counterparts.

To this add the following: Is it not true that in nature the SMALLEST and CUTEST things are the fastest? Bunnies are faster than menacing bears or wolves, those cute ground squirrels faster than the mean fox which hunts them, the little seals able to escape, through speed, the sharks that threaten to eat them. This fact can be EASILY observed in ANY NATURE film or DISNEY movie. SMALL BIRDS, then, being very cute indeed, must therefore likewise be FAST AS THE DICKENS.

Having thus refuted Matt's remarks I rest my case, but repeat my plea: CAST HIM OUT! PECK OUT HIS EYES! And vote NO on his Crazed plan for impossibility. I have proven it MEANINGLESS, you must prove it UNFIT for ADOPTION. Thank you.