Usually the radio tells me what to do. Sometimes the TV but not often. Or birds or something someone says. Usually music. Lately it's been no help, though. Lately, none of them have been any help. Belle and Sebastian will tell me that "I'd rather be in Tokyo" and then beg "get me away from here". TV, no better. I don't usually listen to TV, but these were tapes from home. Simpsons. Complete with cheesy commercials and everything (some of which I made). Local spots. They're what talked to me tonight. No, I mean me of course. I talk to me, but through media like the aliens in that 80's sit com where that guy gets the suit that gives him powers and the aliens keeps playing "Eve of Destruction" on the radio because they want him to do something. Because part of me is alien to myself and wants me to do something. I mean separate, kinda. Known and intimate but hidden. Well, you know what I mean I'm sure.

Anyways. I watched those commercials and thought about how I missed Reno. And I watched those commercials and thought how much Reno sucks and how cheesy it is. And I thought about the desert and the beautiful blue sky in that spot for the trucking school. And about how horrible the spots were and that was my job and do I want it back? But that's not what I do, I'm better than these car commercials. And anyway I love DESIGN*. That's what I wanna do! Ads just pay the bills and they're kinda fun... but not that fun. Well, what else are you gonna do? ugh. and so on. But just now I'm thinking that I hafta go back to sort this out. That it won't get done through thinking but I just gotta start doing something. And I can't do it in this ghost world.

But then just now I think about those students smiling and all the times I get to hear "oh! Couchie!" Man that kills me. Like walking down the street and some students spot you. Or when I see that kid at the Life store and I know he's not supposed to be working there and we just kinda nod at each other all sly like.

Are these things to stay for or things to miss?

God, what did Laurie Anderson say? Something like, "every time we take a step we're falling, and then we catch ourselves." I'm sure she said it better, though.