From yesterday:

God, I feel so happy and high right now. It's not just be the coffee, I've only had 2 cups. Here's what happened: I'll start with a little confession. I've been dreading returning to school. And worried. And tired. After making (mostly) my mind up to leave next year suddenly the next six months seemed to stack themselves end on end into a huge wall, heavier and thicker the higher it got. Structurally unsound. Ready to fall. And the students and the classes and even the day to day interactions required for survival lined up one after the other, an endless parade of confused looks and misapprehensions. I felt like calling in sick for a long time. And today.

Today I woke up with my back aching after a less than terrific night's sleep. And let me digress for a sec here. You know how sometimes your subconscious understands things way better than you do? Like it knows already what's going to happen so it leads you to think about stuff which will later be ironic. Does this happen to you? Me all the time. So I woke up musing about bad days and bad moods, and how as I've gotten older I've gotten less of them and blah blah blah. Mostly I just let my subconcious do the talking while I got ready and brushed my teeth. Stepped in the cold water with my sock on. Put on my jacket. Zipper broke. Got to school. The dread and worry bunched up in my back, digging with it's claws. Am I being too melodramatic? But trust me, go with me here. I don't know why I was so worried. I've been teaching a while now and it's not exacly brain surgery. But that wall there, and the unhappy parade. Anyway. I felt bad now. And my first class is 2-5. El classo del diablo. And guess what? My teacher's sick. Actually, both my teachers are sick.

I'd also thought about this in the morning. Imagined what would happen if. My subconscious sat in the back seat of my theater now, laughing like a hyena. See, normally I teach with a partner. Let's call them the ring master. They hold the whip while I do something amusing between acts. This was like letting the clown master the circus, tigers and all. By himself.

I was given the option to skip the class, but I knew somehow this was not the thing to do, and I gotta give my circus clown self some props for that. I walked into class my back in knots and my head clouded with doubt. Students looked in surprise at me... who's in charge here?... but finally sat down. And then.

Well, look, I'm not gonna lie just to tell a good story. The heavens did not part, nor was my voice suddenly given an aspect of otherworldly importance. But I did teach. And they did actually listen. They even talked more, I mean in english and everything. A teacher came in towards the end of class to see if it was okay ( I guess not hearing any screams he figured I was dead), and I gave him a thumbs up and he went on his way.

Leaving class I felt so grateful. I felt full. I thought I might cry. I guess that sounds stupid and wussy. Fuck it. Suddenly the wall had holds and purchase, and I felt (feel!) a capable strength in my limbs. And my subconscious, far wiser than me the old trickster, smiles.